Post-Grad to Ideal Career: 10 Tips for that "Awkward" Transition Phase

"Life is the most exciting opportunity we have. But we have one shot. You graduate from college once, and that's it. You're going out of that nest. And you have to find that courage that's deep, deep, deep in there. Every step of the way." —Andrew Shue

Why, hello there late bloomer. What'cha doin'?

Another summer is quickly passing... lightning speed! I don't know about you, but I can hardly believe it's already August. It's been 2 years since I graduated college, and it's gone by quickly and in very unexpected ways. You may laugh, but 3 years ago, I was fully expecting to be pursuing further education, finishing a Masters program at the very least.

Ha! 

I believe I could still do that, and I would like to someday. Yet that's not where I am in my life. I've said this before, but my experiences immediately following college are not exactly where I expected them to be. And that's okay!

What I find difficult is staying motivated to pursue my goals and dreams now that I've been outside the structure of school. I find that guilt in living at home, fear of failure, fear of getting 'stuck' in a job because it's convenient, etc. are some of the challenges that have held me back. Yet I've come to believe that it's in this transition period between college graduation and the 'ideal career' where I've learned more life skills than I would've imagined before.

So here are some tips I'd recommend for anyone in this awkward phase... whether you're just entering it and are job hunting, or whether you've been in it for a while and are seeking to break out soon. If you don't find your daily life interesting, challenge yourself and make it interesting. Here's what I've found works best:


Tip #1. Use any work opportunity, paid or unpaid, and learn all you can from it.
This is one of the easiest approaches you can cultivate in your thinking, especially because you spend much of your time during the week in work. It's time in your day, a day you will never get back. So make the most of it.

I can't say I'm an expert in this, but I'm making a conscious effort to become better at it. I've discovered that many of my 'everyday' experiences at work have helped me in other ways I never would have expected. I'm trying to learn as much as I can, not only because it may be useful in the future, but also because I think experiences in the workplace can translate into some other form that can help me be a better communicator.

"Look at everything as though you are seeing it either for the first or last time, then your time on earth will be filled with glory." —Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Tip #2. Break up with the home-work-home routine... demolish it.
Go someplace else and do something new, every single day. Socialize meaningfully.

Nothing has thrown me in a rut and kept me there more than going straight home from work, day in and day out. Not only is that so boring, but it makes me a very crabby person. All the stresses from the day come straight home, and by the time I get there I  just want to crash and relax—a.k.a. good luck getting me to accomplish anything productive.

Mmmm homemade smoked salmon sushi!

Instead, I go to a late-night coffee shop in my tiny Montana town (it's a small miracle that a sit-down cafe is open past 5:30 p.m., let alone stays open until 9:00 p.m.). I go for a walk by the river. I play Bunko with a group of women once a month during the school year. I try to be active in my church and community.

Try new things, and don't feel as if you must take a class to do it. I discovered in college that I love-love-love sushi, and I live so far out of town that going out to eat is rarely practical. Now I'm occasionally trying my hand at making my own sushi at home when I have a free evening and want to relax (Don't worry, I'm only brave enough to use smoked salmon. So far, my family has enjoyed it and no one's been sick! *knock on wood*). Perhaps I'll take lessons someday.

Whatever it is, however you stumble upon it, do it because it gives you joy. It may just take a bad day and turn it on its head.

"I travel a lot. I hate having my life disrupted by routine." —Caskie Stinnett

Tip #3. Volunteer/Mentor.

I've talked about volunteering in the past and doing things for your community even when you get no credit for them. I've also talked about how mentoring has forever changed my life. Nothing beats getting your head out of your own world and seeing how you can positively impact other's lives. 

Girls Districts Track & Field - 3rd Place (May, 2014)

A sense of 'giving back' was instilled in me at a young age, and even while I was still in high school, I remember being thrilled when a graduated high school student took time to come back and volunteer with sports practices and other extra curricular activities. When I moved back home, I couldn't help but want to volunteer in the same way.

The best part is the inevitability. Whether you want it or not, the people you work with will impact your life in a positive, irreplaceable way. Maybe working with teenagers or kids isn't your thing, and that's fine! Find something else to do and get involved. The key is to do something for others with no monetary gain. Do it because you want to do it. That's it. Let the chips fall where they will. You'll see what I mean.

"The delicate balance of mentoring someone is not creating them in your own image, but giving them the opportunity to create themselves." —Steven Spielberg

Tip #4. Maintain a strong and diverse support system.

"It's the obvious which is so difficult to see most of the time. People say 'It's as plain as the nose on your face.' But how much of the nose on your face can you see, unless someone holds a mirror up to you?" —Isaac Asimov, I, Robot

I would not be where I am today without my support system. Plain and simple. The people in my day-to-day life are my lifelines, whether they are near or far away. They cheer me on when I have exciting days, they sit with me when I fall down, and they lend me a hand when I struggle to get back up and running again.

Focus not only on maintaining their support for you, but be that same support for them. 'Burdens shared are burdens halved' and 'joys shared are joys multiplied' are phrases that ring true 100x over. Cherish these people who are a positive influence in your life, and invest in these relationships.

Tip #5. Make staying in touch with your best, long-distance friends a priority.

Similar to Tip #4, these friends in particular need your attention and cultivation. Since I've moved back to Montana, I've struggled with the change that came from having my best girlfirends so far from me. We used to be roomies, lived next door to each other, or lived only a few blocks down the street. At least we lived in the same town for a time. Now we're anywhere from 520 miles to 1,550 miles away at best... and in some cases we're on opposite ends of the globe. Yes, I've met a few dear friends here in Montana. Yet I miss my college girls and international friends like none other. They are my rock-solid confidants and best encouragers. They have no qualms about telling me when my next idea is inspiring or flat-out crazy (and sometimes they're both, simultaneously).

Clockwise from upper left: Ellen, Katie Z., Sam, Katie C., and Alyssa

The key to these friendships is making the regular effort. If you find yourself lonely and thinking of them, chances are they're feeling the same. It's all a matter of who picks up the phone first, writes that e-mail, sends that letter. Make the time. Because when you rekindle those connections weekly or monthly, you'll feel revived and inspired to make each day more positive.

"A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world." —Lois Wyse

Tip #6. Living at home: leave the guilt at the door... at least in the short-term.

"People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on." —Eckhart Tolle

I'm supremely guilty of this. (Yay, nothing like feeling guilty about feeling guilty!) This is especially true when it comes to the 'living at home' situation I have. I'm fighting against this silly cultural stigma in my head... you know, the '40-year-old living in his mother's basement' mental image. I worry that I'll sink back into feeling 'stuck' never moving on with my life. Which is, of course, false. It's just taking my personal demons and throwing them out of proportion.

Yet I know that many of you, like me, have been dealing with the same realities of our economy and the job market, where long-term jobs are difficult to land after graduation, and that moving home after school is sometimes the best option (though not always).

Point is, cut yourself some slack for the short term. Do you want to live with your parents for most of your adult life? Not likely! I love my folks, but after 4 years in college learning to be independent and creating a schedule and lifestyle that works for me, it wasn't easy to move home. And it's still not easy living with my folks. Their house, their rules... which I'm glad to adhere to for the most part, but it certainly restricts my freedom in many ways. Not something I desire to continue in the long run. So set limits for yourself, and work to let go of the guilt.


Tip #7. Set specific, 'ideal career oriented' goals.
First, get rid of unrealistic timing schedules, especially the ones where success is dependent on events outside your control. Instead, set other specific goals and stick to them. For example, don't say "I will have 'X' job by 'Y' month", but rather say "I devote 'Z' hours to my job search and applications every week."

Notice the active tense and the specificity in which these goals are set? It's not a matter of 'I will do this in the afternoon' but rather 'I do this during this specific time each day/week'. I learned this very recently as I began to study the Japanese language through TextFugu.com, and it's one of the first things Koichi recommends in Setting Yourself Up For Success, even before diving into the lessons. Sure, this applies specifically to language learning, yet it is immensely helpful in whatever task you set out to do. Actively give yourself tools and habits to succeed.

"There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there's only scarcity of resolve to make it happen." —Wayne Dyer

Tip #8. Follow through on your goals by accomplishing something specific each week.
Like Tip #7, this tip focuses on goals. Yet this is the follow-through. The point in creating a weekly goal is not to make you feel as if you aren't doing enough, but that you are actively progressing toward your goals, making that dream more tangible. I say once a week both to instill a habit and to take intense pressure off yourself. It gives you structured time to do whatever-it-is. Does this mean touching up your resume or searching for jobs in your career field? Perhaps. It can be simpler than that as well.

It helps a lot if that weekly activity is something you enjoy. For me, I write... or do something writing related with my long-term projects. I get something accomplished, and it's time specifically reserved in the week for this activity. Usually it happens on Friday evenings, but I give myself flexibility to use other days as well. It's all a matter of focus and building your consistency. Soon, you can add a few days a week if you want.

"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else." —J.M. Barrie

Tip #9. Find daily reasons to be thankful.
I spent a lot of time studying works by Simone Weil during my senior year of college, and what I loved most about diving into her ideas is that she took life seriously, and she valued it. Attention was one of her main scholarly focuses, how humans operate by it and what we aimed it toward. She found weight and purpose in every interaction, and it inspired her to act on those principles she had come to value so deeply.

Beautiful yellow flowers in the mountains of Montana

I'm not saying we need to take life seriously all the time. We have good days and bad days, days that begin one way and end in another... one intense roller coaster. What I am saying is that our perspective gives great influence over how we experience our days. We all give our attention toward something... so why not nurture it to focus on the good things in life?

I am thankful that I live in a beautiful area of the United States. I am thankful that my family loves and supports me. I am thankful for colorful flowers swaying in a sunny afternoon. I am thankful for the entertaining radio personalities that make me laugh on the drive home from work.

Am I consistent in being thankful for things every day? Nope. Yet when I do, that little snipped of joy and optimism often turns a bad day completely on its head. It's all a matter of perspective.

"What we see depends mainly on what we look for." —John Lubbock

Tip #10. You don't need to have it all figured out.

"What you believe is very powerful. If you have toxic emotions of fear, guilt and depression, it is because you have wrong thinking, and you have wrong thinking because of wrong believing." —Joseph Prince

Boy, did I feel the pressure of needing to have it all figured out. Sometimes, I still do... but that's usually when I find myself in the 'uncharted territory' of life experiences. Funny thing is, all of us find ourselves in uncharted life experience territory.

Remember that someone else's timing is not your timing. The important thing is to work hard and remain focused on your goals. If those goals change and evolve, good! That shows you're progressing, and that you aren't the same person you were one week / one month / one year ago. 

I believe we all have a 'camaraderie in our stupidity' from time to time, where we tell ourselves negative things, listen to the naysayers, put value in things and people who hold no value in us. You won't magically stop stumbling and falling, you won't quit failing at things, and sometimes it'll feel like you have no luck and will never get out of your rut. (I'm starting to sound like one of those naysayers, aren't I?). 

Persevere, adapt, learn, and grow. That's all anyone can ask of you... including what you can ask of yourself. Give it your all, and you'll figure out how to get around that hurdle in your path.

"I hope everyone that is reading this is having a really good day. And if you are not, just know that every new minute that passes you have an opportunity to change that." —Gillian Anderson

What about you? What are you figuring out while in this 'transition phase'? Or are you successfully beyond this point and have any helpful suggestions for the rest of us? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

The Brief Blogging Hiatus

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'" —Eleanor Roosevelt

What was I thinking, taking a whole 3 months to write another blog entry? I thought I'd been convincing enough a year ago that good writers must write on a regular basis. Now I seem to be going back on my commitment... and I've been inconsistent for some time now. What happened?

Clearly, I've been on a blogging hiatus of sorts. Unintentional? Yes. Justified? Perhaps. 

You (and I) could see this as a post dedicated to making excuses for myself, and perhaps that's marginally true. Yet I'm choosing to view it in a lens of reality—that life is messy, and day-to-day plans don't always turn out as you want. Sometimes, that's okay. Sometimes it lets you focus on things that are important in that period of time. So, what have I been up to lately?

LOOK OUT, PERSONAL LIFE! 

"Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it's at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored." 

—Earl Nightingale

Whatever writing aspirations I have, I have sacrificed them on occasion in light of giving necessary attention to some very important people in my life. And sometimes, I take time away from writing to better take care of myself. Because sometimes I need to regroup.

It's not that I get nothing done, or that I hit writers block and don't have the courage to push through it. Rather, I believe that people are more important. My summer's been a roller coaster of highs and lows, and I'm sure others can relate to similar situations. Only this time around, I sacrificed some of my writing time to help me take care of myself—and better culture my relationships with family and friends. While it was difficult knowing that I wanted to write productively but couldn't (for various reasons), I believe it was the right decision for me.

This also doesn't mean that I'm going to make a habit of making 'writer's block' some kind of excuse every time my personal life takes a drastic upward or downward turn. Absolutely not. Yet I'm recognizing that for this summer, taking the extra time was something I needed to do.

One more thing: a huge thanks to a dear friend of mine, Vivienne. She's halfway around the world, and we haven't seen each other in a few years now... but she's such an inspiration to me. Whenever I need a word of encouragement, even when I don't realize I need it—she's there to provide it. 谢谢!

"I think it's important to get your surroundings as well as yourself into a positive state—meaning surround yourself with positive people, not the kind who are negative and jealous of everything you do." 

—Heidi Klum

THE READING DRIVE AND THE WRITING SPRINTS

"A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading."

—William Styron

In the meantime, I'd like to give some credit to my subconscious; it looks like I dove into a summer reading spree! 

I can't say I'm disappointed at all. I've been craving some good books to read, and not solely for pleasure. I realized back in June that I had a tendency to pick up books that speak from 1st person point of view. This isn't 'bad' by any means, but for my personal writing purposes, it wasn't entirely helpful either. The long writing project I've been working on is written from 3rd person limited. Yet the more I read of 1st person heroes and heroines, the more my writing style tried to emulate that position. After a while, it just doesn't work. Sure, there are instances of personal thoughts sprinkled throughout my project, but my writing doesn't derive solely from the eyes of one character... and that creates a significant change in how a story is told.

Not only did I seek out 'new' books written in 3rd person ('new' to me that is, instead of rereading some of my regular favorites), but I also devoted more time to reading in general this summer. Turns out, the 'brain break' transition from lots of writing to lots of reading was exactly what I needed. I have ideas springing up from my mind on a regular basis, instead of me feeling like I must dig furlongs deep just to find one good one. 

I can't forget a huge source of inspiration I discovered over this spring and summer. A lot of credit goes to Write Club for my renewed enthusiasm. Friday Night Writes is a group of writers from around the world (primarily the US, Canada, Australia, and the UK) who connect through Twitter via @FriNightWrites and #writeclub. Every Friday night they conduct 30 minute writing sprints with 10-15 minute breaks in between, and anyone can jump in! During the break, all writers tweet their word count for that sprint, using #writeclub so that Friday Night Writes can keep track of the statistics. The whole point is to get writers motivated to really write, even if what's typed or written longhand doesn't seem totally worthwhile at the time. It's truly the biggest, best support group of writers I have ever encountered—and most of us have never met in person. To see the talent that emerges from every single participant... it's an awe-some and truly humbling experience. Plus, it gives procrastinators (like myself) a good kick in the behind to get some solid writing accomplished.

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." 

—Benjamin Franklin

Needless to say... my blogging hiatus is over. After all, creating a story, writing an article, or recording an experience needs to be meaningful—otherwise, why bother reading it? So I'll keep writing, and I'll make it worthwhile.

"It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things." —Leonardo da Vinci 

The Melancholy Months, Part 2... Discovery, Fighting Back, Turning Point

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." —James Baldwin

*Why am I crafting a retelling of my post-college triumphs and letdowns? I'm not sure if it will benefit you in any way. I don't even know if many people will read this. Nonetheless, I think there's something to be learned by sharing a story. This is the longer, second part of this story that covers a long 5 months. I hope you'll bear with me. I'm learning more about myself in attempting to write this out; and in some small way, I hope that other struggling post-graduates reading this may realize that we aren't alone in our challenges.*

... Continued from The Melancholy Months, Part 1

DISCOVERY
It began on the ski slopes in January. It came full circle on those same slopes a month later. 

It’s where I discovered a blooming weed in my life’s garden, and I wondered if I could find the strength to rip it up by the roots and toss it out.

I did, but it's been a long process. And first, I had to face my foil.

What do I mean by ‘foil’? No, I’m not talking about foiled (as in frustrated) plans, and I’m certainly not talking about tin foil for cooking... 

Let me (re)open your literary dictionary (…you know, the one that got buried the moment freshman English in high school was over and done with): a foil in literary terms usually references two characters in a story who are strikingly opposite. This may be in appearance, personality, moral values, and so on. 

As for me, I think God deliberately presented me with my own real-life foil. This person isn't my polar opposite by any means. We actually have a common moral foundation and many similar interests. After all, we’re friends.

Take me and this friend. Add my two siblings. Place us at a ski lodge on a January Saturday. It’s the perfect setting for a soul-searching confrontation, right?

“I’m so happy and content,” my friend said. We were on one of the chairlifts heading halfway up the mountain, and he'd been in Montana for about 5 months. He started talking about how much he likes being here, the interesting people he was meeting, and all the learning opportunities he was experiencing. He would only be here for a full year, yet he’d been enjoying every minute to the fullest since he’d arrived.

It was the contentment that got to me. 

I wasn’t angry—if I had felt that way in the slightest, it was a static shock that disappeared in the same instant it came. I wasn’t initially sad either, though that would hit me later. No, what shocked me was the gaping hole I felt within myself. Like being doused with cold water, I was stunned—not that he was content, but that I was not.

I was upset that I hadn’t realized it until right then. I was frustrated with my life. Which is ridiculous. Which ticked me off even more. I’m only 22! It hadn’t even been a year since I graduated college. I still had all the potential in the world at my fingertips. None of that had changed. Yet the contentment I’d had a year ago had evaporated, little by little.

That first realization was followed by a rush of more revelations, though less than a minute had passed and we were still on the chairlift carrying us up the mountain. Everything I had been feeling and carrying with me in the last few months was starting to boil over.

Struggling.
Inadequate.
Disconnected.
Discouraged.
Isolated.
Stagnant.

Unhappy.

In all of this, I had also been fighting against my own notion of feeling ‘stuck’. I dearly love the Montana community I have grown up in: the familiar, breath-taking sights; the familiar, friendly faces; the same small town quirks that become more endearing than annoying. 

Yet I felt stuck because I expected to be somewhere else in the world by now (not necessarily defined by social standing or defined by an unmet career goal). I felt stuck because I thought Montana was supposed to be my refuge when I needed to escape the routine of a big-city lifestyle. I hadn’t planned on Montana being where I would start my post-grad life. Montana is home in a way that no other place on earth will ever be, if only as the place where I can step outside my door and be ready to walk straight up a mountain trail. I hadn’t expected my safe haven to become a semi-permanent residence so soon. For all Montana’s inspirational beauty and engaging rural/city culture contrasts, I thought it was more ideal state for engineers or foresters. I didn’t think it was practical for me anymore.

What was I going to do about this 'stuck' feeling? That was the overall question. Did I have an answer? Well, I didn't at that moment. At the time, I didn’t know whether I had truly hit rock bottom on an emotional level. Yet it didn’t really matter whether I had or not. This was far enough. I determined that this was far enough. I was going to change my outlook, and I knew it would be work, but I decided that I could no longer handle the alternative. Feeling depressed and discontent was no longer an acceptable option.

Many things in life are out of our control, much as we often wish it was otherwise. Life is hard. We face many challenges, and the minute we overcome one is when another crops up to take its place. If it’s not getting through high school and into college, it’s surviving/thriving in college and getting to another graduation. If it’s not applying for jobs and working up the corporate ladder to land the 'dream job,' it’s fighting to get into graduate school. If it's not searching for 'the one,' it's maintaining our current relationships with family or friends, many of them over long distances.

FIGHTING BACK
However, there comes a point when you realize that you're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired—physically, emotionally, spiritually. When you finally hit this point where you're knocked flat on your back, you have a choice. We all do.

1) We can sink further into despair and resign ourselves to the perceived reality that this is as good as it gets and it won't get any better...
2) We can wait for our very own 'special someone' to ride into our lives and sweep us off our feet, or hope that the universe conspires in our favor and we'll finally catch that lucky 'big break'...
3) We can work to stand up, work to brush ourselves off, and work to jump back in the race...

The problem with the first option is obvious: you choose to give up. You give up hope and you give up trying. Most of us resist this option kicking and screaming. But the truth is, when you're at your lowest low, this option is tempting. It takes serious willpower just to move an inch after falling down. Yet many of us decide that moving is too painful and we don't want to risk putting ourselves out there again—only to get kicked down again. If you're at this point and have decided not to move, I hope you at least choose to sit up and look around; the sky above may be cloudy, but how will you see the blue horizon if you refuse to look for it?

The flaw with the second option is that you're wishing things will get better and you hope you won't have to lift a finger to make them happen. You think it'll just happen. The problem is, if you have very little desire to get up off the ground, why should you expect another person, even that 'special someone,' to come along and do all the work for you? To me at least, that's unrealistic.*** As for catching that 'big break,' if you wait around in a helpless state for it to come along on its own, it'll never happen. Timing does play a role in any success, but the chances of your success story coming true is hampered if you have no daily, hard work to show that you're dedicated to your dreams.

I challenge you, as I challenge myself, to take up the third option. And it isn't easy. It's work. Daily work. Hard work. But it can be done.

When I discovered just how defeated I had been feeling, I decided that the first thing I needed was to identify what had tripped me up in the first place. Part of it was that I needed an inner attitude change—that instead of focusing on all the things I could not do, I needed to rediscover all the big and small things in my life that I could be thankful for. 

I had been dwelling on how I, in my mind, had turned into 'that post-grad' who would fly back to her hometown and remain stuck there for many years to come. I was afraid I would become 'that post-grad' who never gained enough courage to pursue the career she wanted...

Really, since when did I confine myself to stereotypes? 

So I couldn't fulfill my desire to travel the world just now, practically speaking. So I couldn't meet up more often with my close friends. So I didn't land my 'dream job' fresh out of college. Yet I already have so much! I have all the basic necessities at my fingertips that many people in this world must work all day long just to have for one day (food, clean water, shelter, and safety). I have a source of income. I have friends and family who love me.

It's funny... when you decide to look for all the good things in your life, you'll realize that joy truly is a bigger part of your life, yet you've let all the bad cover up those delightful moments of optimism. That's what happened to me, and it's taken me some time to rediscover that the blessings I have still outweigh the disappointments of yet-to-be fulfilled dreams. I have a lot to be thankful for, more than most people in this world.

***Note: I'm not speaking in regard to Christian salvation and our relationship with God and Jesus Christ, though the thought has crossed my mind in writing this. I touch more on this  topic, using a religious lens, in a previous post.


TURNING POINT 
I found my turning point when I revisited the ski slopes in February. It was that new Saturday when I found joy again. I was having a great time with my brother and our friends, and for once—I wasn't consumed with worry over my future. That day, I lived in the moment with an eye toward my goals. Since then... well, it's a continual task to find joy in each day. But if I've learned anything it's that joy can't be found unless you're looking for it.

Now, I smile when sunlight touches my face or I see someone singing to the radio in the car next to me. I laugh when my sister's dog, Foxy, greets me with such exuberance that I nearly fall over when she skids to a stop into my legs... 

Mmm, so good!!

...or when our other dog, Belle, sticks her head in a dog food can to lick up every last bit of gravy. I went to out to the local mountain lake just for the sole purpose of eating a single taco. And it was delicious!

I began writing again—doing one small thing in the day that brings me personal enjoyment, even if it is work. I found a way to volunteer in my community, and the joy I see in a young person's accomplishments gives me great satisfaction as a mentor. I reconnect with friends, both far away and close to home. The best part is, the best ones tend to reach out and find a way to reconnect with me too, even if a lot of time has passed between greetings.

In the end, I've realized that my personal, unfulfilled dreams haven't disappeared forever. They're just untapped potential. As I realized this, and when I found a way to be thankful for all that I do have, I find it easier to pull those anxieties out of my garden. For the uncertainties of the future and for the stereotypes I've put on myself, they no longer cripple me. I cripple them. They come back to visit once in a while, a flying seed on the wind, and it takes work to toss them out of my garden again, but rip them up I do.

When I remind myself that each day is a gift of undetermined limits, then the future opens up again—bright, clean, and untouched.

I began dreaming again, and these dreams are taking root.

"Sometimes we look for those thunderous things to happen in our life for our lives to change or go in the other direction. We seek the miracle. We seek the parting of the seas, the moving of the mountains. But no, it's a quiet thing. At least for me it was." —Ben Vereen

The Melancholy Months, Part 1... The Poison

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." —Helen Keller

*Why am I crafting a retelling of my post-college triumphs and letdowns? I'm not sure if it will benefit you in any way. I don't even know if many people will read this. Nonetheless, I think there's something to be learned by sharing a story. I'm learning more about myself in attempting to write this out; and in some way, I hope that other struggling post-graduates reading this may realize that we aren't alone in our challenges.*

THE POISON

For a long moment, I had stopped dreaming.

It began gradually, without my noticing. I'm the type of person who has an optimistic personality, kept in check by a realistic perspective. I expect my life to have high points and low moments, but I try to see what I can learn from each experience — good or unpleasant.

So how did this happen, that I woke up one day and realized my dreams had been pushed to the very edge of my life's frame? Well, as any noxious weed, it started as a small seed and quickly took root. While I was vaguely aware of its presence, this weed took up space  in my life's garden, grew strong, and crept taller and taller each day. I didn't see it clearly until it bloomed its infected head — having pushed my optimism and dreams out of the way to make room for itself.

I discovered the poisonous blossom at January's beginning...

Yet this problem didn't appear out of nowhere. How could this sneak up on me? Looking back, I suspect it had started during the autumn months of 2012.

I-90 between Missoula and Butte

After graduation, I headed toward a busy and exciting summer of traveling and mentoring. Early June brought me back from Wisconsin just in time for Montana HOBY (Hugh O'Brian Youth Leadership) — just in time to meet more of Montana's brightest 15- and 16-year-olds, gathered together in one place. July brought Upward Bound and the opportunity to be a resident assistant to 75 high school students as they explored colleges in Montana and the San Francisco Bay area. The end of July brought a week-long visit from my boyfriend, just before my birthday in August. 

Wrapping up the summer season, I was re-crafting my resume, networking with anyone I could contact, and applying for writing and editing jobs left and right. I knew I was fighting an uphill battle as a recent college grad, but I was determined to go after the job hunt like I did any other task — with hard work, dedication, and creativity. I was filled with optimism as I tried to make my way out of post-grad 'limbo land'.

Early September set me up for a long fall; the seed of doubt had blown into my garden, and it had found soft soil.

Like many in this country, I couldn't find work, even just a temporary local job. I missed the structure and challenge of higher academics... Had I made a mistake in not pursuing graduate studies right away? I missed my Wisconsin cousins and close college friends... Should I have dedicated more time to finding a job in the Midwest and less time to my final college studies? I missed my independent life, too; after four years on my own, the constant interaction with my parents (under their roof) was something I wasn't used to anymore. 

The silver-lining in all this was that I was planning a visit back to Milwaukee — for networking, job interviews, and seeing family and friends. Maybe it would ease my transition into post-graduate life.

In mid-September, this noxious weed burst up out of the soil. Actually, it felt more like a horse kick — one that hits your blind side as you suddenly find yourself kissing the ground.

It took me a moment to realize that I really had hit the ground, when out of the blue my boyfriend suddenly became my ex-boyfriend. Hindsight is 20/20; I hadn't perceived the tremors that the long distance had created for him, but I certainly felt the aftershock when the strain was too much. We all know that I could sit here and record the details of my relationship woes — but it would do no good. I will say this though: I still respect him for his honesty toward me and for being honest with himself. Having been strung along many times before by the indecisiveness and doubt of others, honesty was the preferable alternative. For me, I regret nothing, I have left nothing undone, and for that I am grateful. As for him, I wish him the best — and I hope that he will one day know what he's looking for and will still have the courage to seize it when that day finally comes.

Also in September, I found out from my sister that she was applying to study abroad in Ireland — the exact place I'd hoped to study abroad while I was in undergraduate studies, the exact experience that remained barred from me due to wrong timing and financial constraints. As thrilled as I have been for her, I've had to beat down the jealousy that kept rising within me as I had watched my sister prepare for an adventure I'd dreamed about for a long time.

September, 2012

You know how bad situations wear you down more when you're physically sick? Well, let me introduce you to 10 weeks of forest fires and smoky skies, courtesy of the burning eastern Idaho wilderness and an intense drought. Even with minimal physical activity and staying indoors, it doesn't take long for that kind of poor air quality to make daily work much more difficult. October's arrival couldn't have been more perfect. At the very beginning of the month, two friends (newly-weds) stopped to spend a day with my family and me — en route in their move from Wisconsin to Washington State. They brought the first snow flurries of the season with them too, and it cleared the smoke from the valley overnight ("Oh, what a relief it is!").

Seeing my friends ripped the weed's roots out of my garden soil, and soon I was on a plane to Milwaukee for a 2 1/2 week visit. I was flying independent again! Between visiting with  various friends at different coffee shops, seeing grandparents and cousins, taking a proctored test as part of a job interview, driving down to Chicago for another job interview, and enjoying the scenic views of Lake Michigan every chance I got — that weed lay uprooted for a time. 

Lake Michigan - Kenosha, Wisconsin - October 2012

But the weed didn't go away. I flew home again, my grandmother making the journey with me for an extended stay with my family in Montana. I hate to say it, but the confidence boost I got from my trip faded pretty quickly. The jobs I'd interviewed for in the Midwest resulted in more rejection letters. I was starting from scratch again, with no prospects and no leads. I was also now living in a three-generation household — and we were all having trouble adjusting to one another. The weed took root again.

I did finally land a local job in mid-November, and believe me, all the advice about finding work through networking and the 'hidden job market'... is all very true. (I still wish I was a bit better at maintaining my networking connections, because it really does work!) I should've been happy. I was finally on my way to paying back my student loans. I was living in the beautiful, mountainous countryside. I could devote some time each day to writing. Each day I was learning new skills in a not-so-typical work field for a writer. My whole family would be all together for another Christmas season. What better way to get on my feet?

So what was the matter with me? I felt like my whole attitude had turned into that of the writer of Ecclesiastes. Why was I still so unhappy? Why did I act like I would never land my dream job? Why did I feel like I would never again travel beyond the United States? Why did I feel like my dreams had been shattered? Or had my dreams disappeared instead? I agonized over these questions while keeping up the careful facade — that all was well and that I was doing okay. I was even starting to fool myself.

That is, until I discovered that the weed had bloomed. 

I finally saw things more clearly at January's beginning. All it took was one conversation — with one friend — on one mountaintop.

... Continued in The Melancholy Months, Part 2 

"Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so." —John Stewart Mill

Bitterroot Valley, Montana, USA

Turning Your Eyes in the Right Direction

"Don't let ambition get so far ahead that it loses sight of the job at hand." –William Feather

As I'm pushing through the final month of my undergraduate college career (32 days left, but who's really counting?), I find myself in a position of such inner and outer constraint. It's as if I'm that little silver ball in a pinball machine, and it's hitting me that the silver spring that's winding up behind me is getting extremely tight. I'm afraid that, if I don't watch it, that spring is going to release and I'll be hurled into "the real world" without any clear direction.

On the one hand, I definitely feel that I'm transitioning away from college life, assignments, and activities—as much as I also remember that I try to attend favorite campus events because it's the "last time I'll be able to do such-and-such." I am looking forward to finishing my degree. I'm the type of person who loves learning for learning, and not because I necessarily want to be qualified for a specific job or position (though these are good benefits). Mostly, I desire to learn because I wish to understand more about myself and the world around me. Yet I know that in the near future, I will enjoy putting in a full day of work and then being able to go home and (for the most part) leave the unfinished tasks as the job I'll tackle the next day. The endless waltz of doing "busywork" tasks and assignments will finally be scaled back; or, at least, I can hope that they won't consume all my waking hours.

On the other hand, the two internships I have held over the course of this year have given me a tip-toe glance through the high window, looking out on the great wide world—one that is outside the life of a student. And it's not that I'm tentative because I realize that the world is big... I've known this for quite some time, even if it hits me more strongly each day graduation approaches.

No, I'm tentative because I'm struggling to see where my place may be in the grander scheme of post-college life. And this is inseparably tied to how I need to financially support myself as an independent adult. As many other individuals in this country are facing, I feel the pressure to find some type of stable employment, even in an economy where other individuals are more experienced and more qualified than I am. Plus, I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know exactly what I want to do, and I’m afraid that I’ll get stuck in a place where I have no prospects and where I cannot use my talents to the best of my abilities.

Scary prospects. I must echo some of the concerns that my peers also share. What’s next for us? If we don’t have a direction, how can we even begin to get where we think we want to be? And if we do have a direction, how can we be certain that this direction taking us there?

When I find myself strangled with anxiety and overwhelmed with uncertainty, I search and find that the reason I’ve fallen to such a state is because I truly am looking in the wrong direction. Everything that I learn and experience can help to give me understanding about myself and past situations, but it cannot guarantee that my present and future will proceed smoothly. Everything that I strive for today can help me pursue my goals, but it cannot assure me that what I do right now will bring success tomorrow. And everything that I plan in preparation for the future cannot give me even the smallest insight to what lies in my future.

Instead, I need to turn my eyes heavenward. I need to focus my heart and motivation on fulfilling whatever God’s plan is for me. I need to search His Word to find strength and stability in this trembling world. And when I pray for guidance and perseverance, I need to listen for His whispered encouragement and trust in His plan for my today and tomorrow.

He sees all—past, present, and future. I’m His daughter. But because I am blind when compared to my Creator’s wider and deeper vision for my life, I do know that I can trust him to take my small hand in His firm clasp—and I know that He, even now, leads me along in the best direction.

Of this, I am certain.

“I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” –Charlotte Brontë